Three things Boris Johnson wished he'd done in Brussels the last time he was there.

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1. Told Guy Verhofstadt he was a dyspeptic toady.

2. Told Jean-Claude Juncker he was a corporate stooge.

3. Told Sabine Weyand she had lovely wiles.

Boris Johnson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part Nine)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream, what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Made him take his tea with goat's milk half way up a glacier?

2. Robbed him of the keys to Brexit and dropped them to the bottom of the Mariana Trench?

3. Arraigned him in the European Courts of Justice on a charge of 'talking perfect bollocks?'

Boris Johnsonson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part Eight)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Made him swim the Hellespont but in a pair of grey flannel shorts?

2. Dropped him from a cloud onto the plains of Thessaly?

3. Kept him in the sod loft of a shepherd's hut for 14 years after Brexit?

Boris Johnson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part Seven)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Strapped him to a pony in the wilds of Umbria - then flung him off a crag?

2. Lit all the candles in his house when he was fast asleep?

3. Laid bare his monk's cowl to reveal a suppurating rash?

Boris Johnson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part Six)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Emerged there from the darkness of a ship's hold as a foul, rapacious man-bat thing chasing him the whole length of the harbourside until he'd screamed his fill?

2. Slashed at his vermilion coloured braces with a greasy knife?

3. Removed his tonsils in the darkness of a train below the Alps?

Boris Johnson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part Five)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Made him give a speech to conference praising Clement Atlee.

2. Bobbed and wrestled with him over a Croatian waterfall?

3. Fed him to Cerberus in front of Ollie Robbins and his mates?

Boris Johnson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part Four)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Dropped him down a well with only Peter Bone for company?

2. Chased him up the side of Mont Emilius and from his leaky marrow made a tallow lamp of sorts?

3. Made him drive a Trabbi through a Windsor mall?

Boris Johnson's Latest, Weirdest Dream (Part Three)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Made him tilt at windmills but in tasselled European brogues?

2. Made him wrestle naked with John Major on a Nottinghamshire slag heap?

3. Brought them both a circus pony to eat raw?

Boris Johnson's Latest, Weirdest Dream (Part Two)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream, what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Mooned at him from a passing Gondola?

2. Brought to his Chelsea pad the smell of ash and rope?

3. Made love to him in the guise of a Kowloon prostitute?

Boris Johnson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part One)

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Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream was untouchably odd. It was the Battle of Thermopylae reconstituted as another set-piece horror - only this time in a scruffy field just north of Macclesfield! On one side were arrayed the heavily outnumbered Brits and on the other the European Union and its baying hordes. In amongst the bloody turmoil Boris Johnson played his part, but what was the erection-conjuring high-point? Was it when:

1. He bit down on the head of Guy Verhofstadt?

2. Unstrung the sword arm of a clearly tiring Manfred Weber?

3. Brought the captive Jean-Claude Juncker to his tent and made him cry?

Three images of Jeremy Corbyn you can't make work

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1. Appearing on a cookery show with a recipe for 'Lemon Posset.'

2. Footing the ladder of a man asking for help but who has 'Nato Grunt' tattooed across his podgy knuckles.

3. Sitting down to ham-and-eggs with someone who has satirised Iran or Venezuela.

Three other things which David Davis wished he'd done as Brexit Secretary

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1. Told Michel Barnier he has the tiniest of speech impediments.

2. Played 'footsie' underneath the desk with Sabine Weyand at critical points in the negotiation.

3. Told them they could have their 39 billion but only in centimes.

Three things Boris Johnson wished he'd said to Jean-Claude Juncker

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1. "You, sir, have been monstering my country for long enough!"

2. "How dare you use the word 'blimpish' in relation to myself!"

3. If I call off Brexit, will you show me the bottle of Chateau Lafitte 1869 you are rumoured to own?"

A Letter and the Fog of War

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Dear Prime Minister, Minder of the Nation's self-worth, Our elected Megaphone-that-fits in these distracted times,

I have an an unkind image of you I cannot shake off (but dearly wish I could). It's of you staring at a map in some depressing little bunker. You move your hand disconsolately over now evaporated armies in the hope of some great miracle. But as so many placards usefully point out: THE END IS NIGH.

Dear found-out leader, your adjutants will now no longer need to tell you stuff (and not tell you stuff). The sniping will ease off to just the cleaning staff. Britain's doublet-and-hose will be replaced post-Brexit by a scabrous donkey jacket (one which feels like wire-wool around our armpits).

We have been dealt a journey by the EU Mob. Is that not so?

Yours bracing for the very worst (manly crying in the pubs of Stoke and Sunderland) (less manly crying in the tea-rooms of Westminster.

Honest John Clemmeridge

Three things David Davis wished he'd done as Brexit Secretary

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1. Scratched the word 'Freedom' on Guy Verhofstadt's forehead with a cheap biro

2. Went through his crib sheets sober

3. Said to Olly Robbins: "Get off my puking lawn!"

Three things Boris Johnson would like to serve up to the EU negotiating team

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1. Jugged Rat.

2. Pan-fried placenta with tripe-and-onions.

3. A Blowfish on a sewer-rod skewer.

Disjunctive images to go alongside Brexit.

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1. Tim Martin (Wetherspoon's guy) in flaysome tights next to a mock-up of the Albert Hall.

2. A Brexit Politician opening The Great Yorkshire Show in front of the last three farmers left in all of England.

3. An actor playing Dickens going in to work past children fighting over a discarded cabbage leaf.

What exactly does one say to an American complaining about the state of English teeth?

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1. Have you seen the state of your conscience, recently?

2. Right, you asked for it, I'm calling in the British Secret Service.

3. That shirt would look better draped over a bin.

Three things not to say at a Momentum rally

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1. Is there a G.I. Joe style doll of Jeremy Corbyn I can buy?

2. Do you think his beard puts people off?

3.  Is it true he sings to his allotment in the key of F?

A Letter of Encouragement

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Dear Theresa May,

your tightrope walk is nearly at an end. Don't think too much about the sucking pit of darkness down below. Those wishing you to fall are wavering themselves. It seems the ERG are not armed with a decent blowpipe after all. It's only bird-bolts which have been deployed (dried peas if I'm any judge and which have bounced off your patootie).

Yours with no great admiration but a deal of sympathy

Honest John Clemmeridge

p.s. The rope may stretch a little after March and shrink to the radius of some chicken-wire - but do go on AND DON'T LOOK DOWN!