Three things Boris Johnson wished he'd done in Brussels the last time he was there.

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1. Told Guy Verhofstadt he was a dyspeptic toady.

2. Told Jean-Claude Juncker he was a corporate stooge.

3. Told Sabine Weyand she had lovely wiles.

Boris Johnson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part Nine)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream, what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Made him take his tea with goat's milk half way up a glacier?

2. Robbed him of the keys to Brexit and dropped them to the bottom of the Mariana Trench?

3. Arraigned him in the European Courts of Justice on a charge of 'talking perfect bollocks?'

Boris Johnsonson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part Eight)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Made him swim the Hellespont but in a pair of grey flannel shorts?

2. Dropped him from a cloud onto the plains of Thessaly?

3. Kept him in the sod loft of a shepherd's hut for 14 years after Brexit?

Boris Johnson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part Seven)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Strapped him to a pony in the wilds of Umbria - then flung him off a crag?

2. Lit all the candles in his house when he was fast asleep?

3. Laid bare his monk's cowl to reveal a suppurating rash?

Boris Johnson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part Six)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Emerged there from the darkness of a ship's hold as a foul, rapacious man-bat thing chasing him the whole length of the harbourside until he'd screamed his fill?

2. Slashed at his vermilion coloured braces with a greasy knife?

3. Removed his tonsils in the darkness of a train below the Alps?

Boris Johnson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part Five)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Made him give a speech to conference praising Clement Atlee.

2. Bobbed and wrestled with him over a Croatian waterfall?

3. Fed him to Cerberus in front of Ollie Robbins and his mates?

Boris Johnson's Latest Weirdest Dream (Part Four)

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In Boris Johnson's latest, weirdest dream what did the arch, forbidding (almost monkish) figure of one Martin Selmayr do to him?

1. Dropped him down a well with only Peter Bone for company?

2. Chased him up the side of Mont Emilius and from his leaky marrow made a tallow lamp of sorts?

3. Made him drive a Trabbi through a Windsor mall?